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-   -   Parents... ugh! (https://www.dendroboard.com/forum/lounge/8148-parents-ugh.html)

bluedart 10-30-2005 09:58 PM

Parents... ugh!
 
Have I ever told any of you how much my parents suck? I'm sure some of you reading this ARE parent, and are thinking venom towards me, but you won't after you read this. I ask my mom if I can go to Wal Mart with her, and then run to the pet store (which is right down the street) so I can get crickets for my animals. She said sure. So, after enduring Wal Mart for 5 HOURS, I say, "don't worry, i'll only be a minute in the pet store". Well, she decides I can't go. I ask why, and she YELLS, "I TOLD YOU AT THE HOUSE, I'M NOT GOING TO THE ****ING PET STORE!". So, I yell back, "MY GECKOS NEED TO EAT! YOU HAVEN'T TAKEN ME IN 2 WEEKS!" So, she continues to yell back such phrases as shut the **** up, and I'm grounded. A little unreasonable, egh? Especially when I can SEE the effects of not eating on my geckos. Talk about sick parents. I hate them.

dmatychuk 10-30-2005 10:18 PM

As the father of five children (10-20 years old) I can honestly say I have no venom towards you. What we go through as 16 year olds and also as parents is a constant learning lesson of how best to get along with each individual and make it with the best peace with each that is possible. I have learned as a parent that I need my kids to cut me slack in my mistakes and they need me to cut slack for theirs. At times this means that areas in our live suffer, but these things are NOT as important as the people. Your geckos are important but they don't rate anywhere near keeping the love and peace with your parents. If getting crickets is a problem by going to the store order them online, much cheaper by the way and order a 1,000 and keep some on hand and learn when you have to order. best of luck, allow yourself the room to calm down and learn to appreciate people (even parents) when they are difficult and don't fit your exact needs. A wise man (and God) said to love your neighbors as yourself.............a very good golden rule to live by.

trow 10-30-2005 10:48 PM

Food
 
Depending on the geckos and the weather you have, go out and get your own food field sweepings work well in a pinch as do termites yes geckos will eat T-mites.Hate is a really strong word my friend and a word that usually isnt associated with parents one thing to keep in mind is you have the geckos so they dont have a problem with you keeping animals around.Maybe try and talk to your parents let them know how important they are to you and you could be doing alot worse things than keeping rep's and amphibians(that is what i did) My mom has an extreme phobia of snakes so when I was about 8 I started getting into fish and so on.One day you will regret the things you have said to them or about them as I did.You never know the things you say hurt so much until you yourself become a parent.
later

bluedart 10-31-2005 12:42 AM

I used to order in bulk, but they decided I'd done enough of that. It's one thing to do that, but that was 5 hours of my day! I know that might sound selfish, but in 5 minutes I could've gotten crickets. On top of it all, I got grounded for a week. It's an everyday thing- anything that goes wrong is entirely blamed on me. I live in VA, and the field sweepings are a problem. They buy me things, yes, but if they just... wouldn't suck, I wouldn't ask for half the things they give me. They do alot, but the negative hurts WAY more than the positive feels good. And sometimes I notice the stuff I HATE about my father show up in myself, and it just kills me. He's always yelling, always degrading. It makes me glad I know good, nice people like you all, cause it's a place I try to emulate. Thanks for the advice though, I really do appreciate it. It just doesn't help that on a day that I had SOOO much homework, 5 hours were WASTED, completely useless. It just REALLY sucks that I went shopping with them, helped them out, and they couldn't spend five hours of their day on me.

slaytonp 10-31-2005 01:23 AM

If the pet store was right down the street from Wal Mart, you could have suggested walking over there and back for your crickets while she was shopping at Wal Mart so she didn't have to make another stop. At 16, you should certainly be trusted to walk a few blocks or so by yourself to buy some crickets. After five hours in Wal Mart, one can't blame either of you for being a bit off, but the screaming does seem somewhat out of bounds. Your Mom must have gone over the edge for some better reason, even considering spending five hours in Wal Mart as being a good reason in itself. How did YOU behave during this episode? Are you responsible for your own obligations such as school and homework? Do you help with chores without being nagged about it or resenting it? It will help your relationship if you are able to act like a responsible, reasonable adult yourself, even if your parents sometimes don't. It's a hard row for everyone.

Your parents love you, even if they may not seem to at times, and you do love them, whether you are always aware of it or not. They may "suck" at times, and perhaps you also "suck" in their view, at times, but the unequivocal love connection is always there. It just sometimes gets obscured by daily frustrations and life stresses.

You aren't alone, believe me.

Moe 10-31-2005 04:23 AM

Wow. Why not get a job to support your animals instead of blaming your parents for everything. It obviously sounds like they dont like the geckos; so if i were you i'd let them know how responsible you are by supporting your animals with your own money.

M.N

Derek Benson 10-31-2005 11:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moe
Wow. Why not get a job to support your animals instead of blaming your parents for everything. It obviously sounds like they dont like the geckos; so if i were you i'd let them know how responsible you are by supporting your animals with your own money.

M.N

I was going to suggest this, and why not work at the pet store? That's what I'm doing currently. I used to go to the pet store about 1-2 times per week, now I go in about 5 days a week and get paid for it, hah.

dmatychuk 10-31-2005 12:42 PM

I think the job issue misses the point in a big way and certainly how to fix it. The real problem that Bluedart was sharing was their difficult relationship with his parents. All the crickets in the world doesn't make the strained relationship between a 16 year old and their Mom and Dad all of a sudden get better. Money, crickets, a job, while these things may help and cover up the real issue what was really being expressed by bluedart was relationship frustration. Again, bluedart from a parents point of view I was actually glad about your post. It showed a number of things that are hard but actually good. Your expression of hate was actually good...........it shows you care. The worst thing I would want from my child is indifference. Your anger and in fact the intensity of your anger actually reveals more about how you passionately love rather than having the lack of it.

I also was glad to see your statement about character traits.
Quote:

And sometimes I notice the stuff I HATE about my father show up in myself, and it just kills me
Trust me it kills your parents just as much when they see their worst traits coming out of their child. Parents truly hope the best for their child and that they will achieve so much more that they ever did. We can't stand it when that which has held us back (our flaws) are somehow unwittingly bestowed on our offspring, it kills us.

Yelling is one of the hardest to overcome because it comes out of two VERY strong traits. One is it comes from very passionate people and is not always wrong. Passionate people feel things deeper and stronger and their expression of even simple things comes out very passionately at times. this is great when it is positive, this is a bummer when it is the darkside. Secondly, yelling also comes out of insecurity. It seems odd but those who yell are most often the most insecure people and therefore they yell to get secure. They may need to secure authority or position or obedience etc. This is a very hard chain to break in a family because yelling develops insecurity and the child who doesn't want to yell like their parent usually does because they are now fighting the same issue of insecurity. There is only one real fix for this and it is that you must come to the realization that you are loved, NOT by your parents or a girl friend or a buddy(because people fail us) but literally by God Himself, without understanding of this real love and truly the power that it gives we will struggle with issues like this and wonder how to get out of them. God does love you.

Bluedark,
I hope all goes well and be patient with your parents it is truly the best way you will come out of it breaking the cycle and actually helping your parents as well. If I missed what you were saying, Sorry and I hope your geckos do well.

Scott 10-31-2005 12:52 PM

I understand parents not always understanding.

But I cannot respect the fact that they do not seem to understand that animals cannot go unfed.

I say this as a parent (and "animal/frog" owner).

That said - communications are good. I agree with what David has added.

s

bluedart 10-31-2005 08:08 PM

Thanks everyone. I would have walked, but a few minutes down the road was about 2 miles, and across a VERY busy road at that. I would have a job, except with 2 AP Classes, along with other classes just as hard, band, drama, forensics, etc, I really don't have the time. And, I really was being a good boy. I can keep my head at all times. I didn't actually yell. I kept a cool head. I was yelling inside, but not outside. I dunno, I suppose things will blow over, and by that time we'll have another row. Thanks for all your help.

slaytonp 11-01-2005 02:13 AM

Do you have a good school counselor? I know we have an excellent one here, even out in a rural community. She helped out a lot when I was raising a couple of "thrown-away" abused teenagers, by giving them some pointers in how to defuse confrontation. These boys had entirely different family problems to deal with than yours--much worse, but unfortunately the family was still around and they were still seeing the same stuff going on with their other siblings and a series of abusive "step-father-Mom's boyfriends" sort of thing. At any rate, she helped them in giving them ways of handling the bad situations. I am thinking that perhaps there might be someone you could talk to there that would listen and give you some suggestions on how to turn around the demeaning and negativity that you obviously don't deserve. Not all school counselors are as good as this one here, I realize--but perhaps you will luck out with one who has some suggestions for you. Make it clear you don't want any interference into your family, which isn't truly abusive, just want some advice on how to handle the blow-ups and put-downs. I see one of your classes is forensics--You could become very good at this. 8)

mydumname 11-01-2005 12:16 PM

I would be careful with school counselors, there is always a chance that they exaggerate what you say and turn the situation around for the worse.

Not saying they would, but you never know. People can be so unpredictable at times.

dmatychuk 11-01-2005 01:09 PM

I agree with Greg, BE VERY CAREFUL with a school counselor about private family issues.

bluedart 11-02-2005 01:05 AM

I went to states my first year for impromptu. It's not a class, but it's fun anyways. I'll maybe try the school counselor, I dunno. It's all good though. It's all better if I don't talk to them

SLEDDER23 11-02-2005 10:14 PM

Bluedart-

I have 2 kids myself, and can only hope that I remeber being 16 when they come to that age, which it sounds like your parents do not maybe. I hate to ASSume though. All I can say is that at 36, I have a LOT more stress on me as the sole breadwinner for my family. I feel like the weight of the world is on me. My children depend on me for shelter, safety, etc., and until you are a parent, you cannot imagine the stress that causes. That said, I can say the despite the fun I had as a teenager, nothing is harder IMO than being a teenager. It's hard to see from your perspective I'm sure, but it does get better. In the mean time, learn from your parents mistakes, and though IMO your mom is wrong in your scenario, try to cut them some slack too. Don't withdrawl from them.

The fact that you are so aware of what's going on inside you, and the fact that you are willing to share speaks very well for you. I wish you all the luck in the world, and you will be in my thoughts. If nothing else, I'll try to be a better parent tonight.

Good luck, and hang in there. It DOES get easier!

Sledder

SLEDDER23 11-02-2005 10:17 PM

one last note. As always, Patty is dead on. I just gotta meet that chick some day...

bluedart 11-04-2005 09:17 PM

An update on my crappy parents. Due to the fact that they suck, and they wouldn't take me to the pet store at all, I went with a friend today. I went to feed, and found my male fattail, that I've raised from a baby, dead. Why? Starvation. I've decided my parents suck. I really don't know how to deal with them in this instance. It's quite aggrevating. Anywho, they're all fed now. So, I'm gonna go find something to break, or some way to vent my frustration. thanks!

Scott 11-04-2005 09:40 PM

We all need to vent - it's part of life.

I'd encourage you to find another way to vent about your parents.

I'm already on record as agreeing with you (in regard to not helping you get food for your animals). But I would not vent against my parents in public.

You think "they suck" now? You will think you've *never* felt pain if they find you talking like this.

And they will be right.

s

bluedart 11-04-2005 09:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scott
You will think you've *never* felt pain if they find you talking like this.

And they will be right.

s

That's confusing. I'm trying to act my age about this, just this once. One of my animals died, because of them. UGH.

Scott 11-04-2005 09:47 PM

I don't blame you for being ticked off. Seriously.

But going on and on about your parents is not the solution.

s

bluedart 11-04-2005 09:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scott
I don't blame you for being ticked off. Seriously.

But going on and on about your parents is not the solution.

s

Right. I get ya. I dunno... it's just easier to find someone to blame. I'll get over it. I always do.

11-05-2005 01:22 AM

Silence is golden.

bluedart 11-05-2005 04:09 AM

And the night gets worse. My dad comes home tonight at 11 after comming home from dinner with my mom. I heard the word bullshit, I estimated, 25 times. His face is really scratched up. Apparently my mom scratched him (deep gashes), and he slapped her back. That hasn't happened in forever. Anyways, they're getting a divorce. Parents... ugh.

11-05-2005 05:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scott
I don't blame you for being ticked off. Seriously.

But going on and on about your parents is not the solution.

s

Sorry to hear that, but please note the previous message by Scott. I know how it is to grow up with parents like that (not that bad though). Oh well, life goes on.

I really hate to say it but that really does sound farfetched/out of the ordinary :?

slaytonp 11-06-2005 01:23 AM

Unfortunately, this kind of scenario is NOT out of the ordinary or far-fetched. I don't see anything wrong with venting in a "lounge" discussion. It's not really public, and is a lot safer than acting out or "advertising" locally, except this isn't a site full of psychology experts and none of us really has been able to give a practical answer for handling the situation by yourself. While God may indeed love you, He doesn't seem to do much counseling or change a situation in all of His omnipotence on a personal everyday basis. There is such a thing as family counseling, and although it costs money, you might suggest it to your parents. These counselors are bound by law to keep it private. Some are better than others at it, but your parents don't sound like they are so over the top abusive to each other that they wouldn't benefit by it.

The kids I have dealt with have actually run away from home or have been dumped on my doorstep, or when my own kids were in their teens, simply brought home by them when their home situations were impossible. I've never done "paid by the State" fostering, and have no credentials as a person who knows what to do with these situations. They just happened to me. Over the years, I have "harbored" about 17 of them, young children temporarily, and teenagers, many with drug problems, for periods of four to ten years. Believe me, their parents all "sucked" a lot more than yours do.

I brought the latest, home from the hospital where he'd ended up after doing drugs and having a severe anxiety attack. He had run away from home at age 12 because of abuse, to live with an uncle who dealt drugs and "taught" him to use them. The locals were about to send him off to an institution because he'd been diagnosed as "learning disabled," or in other words, "mentally retarded." He is not, and I knew it. He couldn't read or write, but he'd never been taught these skills because he was seldom in school. His family consists of 7 siblings, all by different fathers, some of which his mother married, some of which she didn't, including his own father he relatively recently discovered was a drug dealer from Mexico that she'd met when her husband and father of the eldest brother was in the hospital with a broken back after riding a bull at a rodeo. He had always thought his Dad was this same cowboy who committed suicide just before he was born, wondered why, and was always confused because his grandparents on that side of the family always treated him like dirt. One of his mother's various boyfriends molested his younger sister in the bathroom of the "mobile home" they were living in and when he heard her crying, he tried to interfere. He was six and she was five years old. This creep beat him up and nailed him in a crate, where he was confined for he says seemed like a couple of days, and told him if he ever told, he would kill him. Nice?? He never told until he told me some 7 years later. While he was living with me and catching up to graduate from high school, his mother dumped a younger brother, Josh, crying on my doorstep, when her latest paramour, she had actually married and had another child by, had been accused of molesting another of his younger sisters as well as the older one, now in her teens. The girls tattled so she was forced to take off and not live with him anymore or the State would take her children. I had given Ben a car to drive to school with, and she took that and disappeared with the two little girls she had left and hadn't thrown away yet. So I've had these two boys, for many years, now of age, grown to adults. Ben is 26 and living in a different, but close-by community, working and doing what he likes best-- his music. He's still very much a part of my life. Josh is still here with me. He's 22. We have set up a big barn for his mechanics and he is repairing motors, restoring old cars, rebuilding motorcycles. He's also good at construction work--my daughter taught him. She's a building contractor. He helps me with heavy chores, and otherwise just does his own thing. He's a mechanical genius and a wheeler-dealer. He has sometimes found a part he needs for something on the side of the road. He can make anything run, so he's going to do well. He survived the crap better than anyone.

I'm not rid of the family, however. One of the girls likes horses, so is keeping hers with mine and Ben's. She moved in for awhile when she couldn't stand her mother's latest squeeze, but I told her I was not into babysitting at my age, so when her mother left the last SOB, she moved back in with her mother and the other molested sister--all renting a house together. She got married at 14 to a druggy loser, with several past wives, age 30, raised his kids for several years, filed for divorce, but got pregnant in the meantime by someone else she didn't much like, so took up with a younger boy, still in high school. Her baby is due any time now, and this high school boy is saying how much he loves her and that he will help raise the baby that isn't his. Oh Lordy, give me a break. In the meantime, she talked her mother into buying a horse for recreation, even though her mother can barely make her share of the rent in her newest situation working at the grocery store stocking shelves. Who is keeping this horse and paying the feed bill, as well as doing its other maintenance? Me. I said "No," but my "no's" never seem to influence anyone much. I came home from a vacation to find it in my corral anyway. Mother and the pregnant daughter were all thrilled about it for about a day and a half. It was in bad shape, so I had to do some worming and hoof trimming. It's a scared up, (looks like it had been beat with barbed wire at one time,) but sweet Arab gelding. Mother has never come out here to ride the horse or even talk to it since it arrived. One thing about keeping her children here over the years, is she certainly never interferred by speaking to me or taking an interest in them. They still love her unconditionally. This says a lot for them. Keep this in mind, when you think YOUR parents suck.

I am venting in public myself. And it isn't even a part of the story of this totally screwed up "family." When the mother was told by the State to try to collect child support from one of the "fathers," it was revealed that she couldn't because he was dead. He'd been murdered by some prison inmates after he'd been sent there on a charge of child molesting. This was the same guy who nailed Ben in the crate and raped Mindy in the bathroom. At least there was some justice here, even though it was unintentional.

Not that it will make you feel any better to hear a worse tale, but at least perhaps your parents have a chance, and you may be able to help them get their shit together with each other by being the only "adult" in the family. Tell them what you feel.

bluedart 11-06-2005 02:40 PM

To be completely honest, I think EVERYBODY will be less stressed out if this is the outcome. My parents have been on the rocks for a few years now. I honestly think it may be the right thing. I'll keep a relationship with my mom for sure, but I'll probably end up staying with my dad. But, yeah, that does open my eyes, Patty. That's.. crazy. And you're absolutely amazing for doing it. Can I write a biography on you? I don't know if you realize how truly amazing you are. But, that really did make me feel better. My parent try, but sometimes when something truly is necessary, they ignore it. I lost one of my geckos due to the incident. But, life goes on. I'm going to be nursing all my current geckos until they're all fattened up again. Probably not going to attempt brumation for springtime breeding for anybody this season. But, like I said, life goes on. God's plan will shine through. Thanks, I appreciate everyones advice. And, Patty, that was an immense post. I really appreciate you pouring your heart out like that. dmatychuk. to you as well. Thanks. I'll try to keep you all updated, if you'd like.

trow 11-06-2005 10:31 PM

Honestly when i first posted I was unamare of the severity of the situation,I am so sorry that you have had to live and grow up in a situation such as yours just remember this crap isnt your fault and that like you mentioned they will be better off away from each other.But try not to let all this effect your schooling and your passion for your animals.It may intensify your passion for all the above mentioned again I am sorry that things have gone sour but keep it together there are alot of kids in this world that seem to be more grown up than there own parents good luck and take care.
later


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